3¾ Pies

Reviewed by Yankee

Plot Summary

Four friends start receiving morbid Valentine day cards. Someone out there is stalking them - someone they all traumatized when they were younger. And Valentine's Day 2001 is when he/she will get their revenge.

Review

Here's a confession: The only reasons why I chose to review this slasher is because a) it was something I could link to this “holiday” as an update and b) because I had never seen it before (if I had, I may have passed on it altogether).

Back when the movie came out, I had purchased the soundtrack because I love that style of music. In fact, as a music CD, it is quite excellent. Better than the movie by far. But that was all that I knew about the movie when I bought the disc. The pictures contained in its jacket showed me familiar faces that made me smile. I thought that it may be cool to see this film one day…

Nine years later, last week to be exact… I had no idea what to expect except for an attractive cast and some great metal music. I now understand why I never heard much about this movie and why none of the cast seems gung ho about the fact that they were even in it.

This movie is pretty much a let down, not only to the slasher sub-genre that I love, not only to the new millennium of horror that had only just begun, but also to the holiday that it focuses on! St. Valentine turned in his grave the day this was released into the world…

Quotes:

Shelley Fisher: Jason, I'm not a doctor yet, but it's my considered opinion you seek psychiatric help. Soon!

Paige Prescott: You brought me upstairs to show me your penis? How sweet!

Kate Davies (referring to David Boreanaz's character): He's no angel, but he's not a killer.

Spook Factor: ¼ Pie

Again, it barely escapes a 0. Some of the scenes are unsettling but nothing even makes you jump from being startled. It really isn't scary at all unless you count the fact that it ran for a full 96 minutes!

Antagonist: ¼ Pie

Whoever the killer is (I wouldn't want to spoil the only surprise), gets the job done. The killer does set up anticipation and fear in the victims and effectively makes them suffer a bit before delivering their death blow. It's too bad that the audience didn't get to share in that anticipation as EVERY death (except for the ones we didn't see, we only saw the bodies) were COMPLETELY predictable.

Story: ¼ Pie

This movie was based on a novel that I will never read because if it is anything like this movie, then all it entails are pieces of various good slasher movies without any kind of spin to make you feel like you got anything different. There are so many plot holes and unexplained things that don't make any sense, you have to wonder if they took the scripts of several successful slashers, dumped them into a blender and then did a spell check.

Acting: ¼ Pie

The shame here is that I DO like much of the cast, but they are SO underutilized and the ones with the best potential - like Fulvio Cecere and David Boreanaz - somehow managed to suck at it as well. Perhaps their inspiration was low due to the crappy script?

Directing: ½ Pie

The shots were done decently and the flow of the “story” was OK for the most part but it feels very much like an unfinished project. I've seen student films that were put together more professionally, again with little to no budget.

Soundtrack: ½ Pie

Remember that awesome CD that I bought for this movie? Still one of my favorites! But those songs are barely in the movie and the score for what was left was plain and not memorable. I supposed it could have been worse…

Special Effects: ¾ Pie

This is probably the best part of the movie. The only part of the budget spent wisely as any special effects are done effectively and tastefully. I guess they had to do something right.

Gore: ½ Pie

There is a good amount of blood here but it isn't excessive by any means.

Replay, Rewatch, Rewind: ¼ Pie

I could watch this again with a friend who has not seen it because there is plenty of eye candy and even some OK humor. Otherwise, I'll pass.

Pros

Some fun, albeit unoriginal kills, plenty of eye candy and a “killer” soundtrack CD.

Cons

You know all those bad stereotypes that non slasher fans give to our favorite movies? With this movie, they would be right!

Final Word

If this had been my first slasher movie, I may have given up on horror altogether. If you just want look at hot girls, watch Baywatch or the Playboy channel - you'll get more bang for your buck. If you want to watch a good slasher, you may want to steer clear. If you want to make a bad impression on a Valentine date, by all means, rent this movie.

Happy Valentine's Day!