5¼ Pies

Reviewed by Limey

Plot Summary

An ordained minister who rejected God and now travels the world debunking supposed miracles is called to a small town which is apparently suffering from the ten Biblical plagues.

Review

I put off watching this film for a long long time and only sat down to watch it today when it appeared at the top of my randomly selected movie marathon list. I cannot tell you why I avoided it for so long, but I can tell you that I should have listened to my instinct and taken it off my list.

The big problem here was that the film was hugely tedious. I’m not sure I have ever paused and walked away from a picture that many times before. The shame of it is that the story could have been hugely interesting, even with the clichés that were running rampant from start to finish.

As an atheist myself I grooved to the idea of a film about a miracle debunker and got a kick out of it being a former minister, yet I am also intrigued as to why so many people expect certain religious events to happen but dismiss them as fakes when they apparently do. I could also see a hefty dose of horror being squeezed out of the plot device – the ten plagues – and the various human situations we are presented with – especially the idea of a community blaming a 12 year old girl for their troubles.

Instead we were served a bland horror-lite wafer that completely failed to live up to its potential and suffered from repetition, lethargic plotting and a lack of internal logic; all sprinkled with the earlier mentioned clichés. As such there is little here to hold your attention once you (very quickly) realise that the film has no intention of covering new ground or even trying to surprise you here and there.

In fact, the biggest thrill I felt at any point throughout the film was during the action sequences towards the end, and that was just in hope that there would be some mindless mass destruction.

Sadly, in the end, it was just mindless.

Quotes:

Maddie McConnell: Are you gonna kill my baby?
Katherine Winter: No!
Maddie McConnell: Why not?

Katherine Winter: That wasn't God. God didn't kill my family. A weak, Godless man filled with fear and hatred... a man like you.

Spook Factor: ¼ Pie

I’m being generous here as I felt it too soon in the sites life to give anything no pies whatsoever, but now I am struggling to justify the score. I suppose some of the imagery could give you the creeps if you have a phobia or a weak constitution. And you’re a wimp.

Antagonist: ½ Pie

It really depends upon who you spend most of the movie thinking to be the antagonist. Go with your initial thought though, and you’ll be right. As with much of the film, we have been there, done that. Boring and shallow.

Story: ½ Pie

As I said, the basic concept here is interesting and I was really hoping for the filmmakers to run with it as far as they could go. Unfortunately, they were less ambitious and let it rot away in the shade of plague number nine.

Acting: ¾ Pie

I am often surprised by how little reaction I have to Hilary Swank. I at first thought she would irritate me as much as Jodie Foster, but instead she fails to get any rise from me, be it positive or negative. The same is true here. Idris Elba is relatable and sympathetic whilst Anna Sophia Robb steals the show by conveying a large range of disparate emotions through mannerisms and facial expressions.

Directing: ¾ Pie

Here I have no complaints, as Hopkins clearly knew what he wanted and you feel his presence in every frame. It fails to score full marks simply because nothing stood out to me in particular, though I will congratulate him on almost making me care about the movie with some of the later shots.

Soundtrack: ½ Pie

Sorry, it completely slipped my notice. I need to work on that. I will give it what is fast becoming my default score for such situations.

Special Effects: ¾ Pie

Now here the film was strong. Once or twice the ‘special’ effects are painfully obvious, but for the most part Hopkins and his team had a strong handle on their CGI and used it to maximum effect.

Gore: ½ Pie

There was a fair amount of death involved but not much gore to go along with it. Much is implied, which to be honest works far better in this picture than blood and guts would have. Of course, there was that river of blood thing…

Replay, Rewatch, Rewind: ¼ Pie

No thanks, I barely survived the first time.

Pros

The leads turn in some strong performances, as does the man behind the camera.

Cons

Everything else, including but not limited to the lack of originality, the lack of scares, and the shameful waste of the central concept.

Final Word

There is nothing outright offensive or painful about watching ‘The Reaping’, there is just nothing going on full stop. Should you watch it? Trust whatever your instincts tell you. They are protecting you even when you don’t realise it.