3¾ Pies

Reviewed by Yankee

Plot Summary

A tormented man with an obsessive hatred for Christmas goes on a murderous rampage dressed as Santa Claus.

Review

Although this film came out in 1984, it wasn't until 1988 that I caught bits and pieces of it at a friend's house. My impression of it then was pretty positive. My friend told me that he had seen it a number of times and that he thought it was really good. I also recall that over the years, the general consensus of the film was that it was pretty good and scary. So I have basically spent most my life believing that this movie was a “classic,” and “just short of a masterpiece”, yet nobody has, nor is even thinking about remaking this in a world where nothing is immune to Hollywood's remake craze… how peculiar….

So earlier this week, I took it upon myself to download and watch this movie in it's entirety, mainly because a LOT of people asked me the past two years if we were going to review this film for one of our Christmas updates. The extra research necessary to complete this review unveiled some of what I already suspected…

This movie really isn't all that good. That's what it boils down to. It's not exciting, you could give a rat's ass about any characters that are slated to die, it's not the least bit believable and most importantly, it is NOT scary! Its return on investment was certainly a let down to the studio, despite the controversy caused by “defacing Santa ”. I CAN understand the lack of interest in remaking this film…

However, Hollywood is wrong! Despite ALL of its issues, this movie is a PRIME candidate for remake. It IS entertaining, it IS original and it IS popular for whatever damned reason. For once, looking at it from a business perspective makes a lot more sense then the logical one…. And yet, it seems TOTALLY logical to me for this to be remade…

Quotes:

Grandpa: You see Santa Claus tonight you better run boy, you better run for ya life!

Killer Santa: 31 bucks…. Merry Fucking Christmas!

Mother Superior: Punishment is absolute, punishment is good.

Ricky: Naughty!

Spook Factor: ¼ Pie

Personally, I would call it creepy rather than scary, BUT for 1984, the idea that Santa Claus is coming for you deserves SOME credit to spook the meek at heart.

Antagonist: ¼ Pie

Billy is one of the worst film villains I have ever seen. He is not scary. He is not clever. He's a clumsy oaf! The only things about him that helped him succeed was his seemingly superhuman strength and that the townsfolk were even stupider then he! I do appreciate how human and vulnerable he was though. That's a little rare in slasher films.

Story: ¼ Pie

The biggest disappointment in this film is how we are expected to accept everything as is. No explanations to why Billy's Grandpa was seemingly psychic. No reason as to how random most of the killing spree was. No reason as to why Billy's issues with Christmas and Santa were never addressed during those 10 years prior NOR why the killing spree started NOW. All plot devices fizzled out and any characters worth caring about were criminally underused.

Acting: ½ Pie

There were a few actors that I found acceptable in their shoddy roles like Britt Leach and the adorable Toni Nero, but the rest of the cast were GOD AWEFUL, especially the star of the film Robert Brian Wilson (a pretty boy with the acting skills of a dead possum)!

Directing: ¼ Pie

I blame the directing for most of this film's problems. There was plenty potential for a TRUE classic here, but it is so rushed and so obviously not cared about that it just falls apart after ten minutes. If I were Santa I would give Charles E. Sellier Jr. a stocking full of coal!

Soundtrack: ½ Pie

The soundtrack on this film isn't too bad considering that it's early 80's styled horror music that has heavily borrowed from the late 70's. Most of what's there fits the film very well. It's just a shame that the sound quality is not great and thus the speakers on your television will moan in agony.

Special Effects: ¼ Pie

It's quite obvious that very little of the ¾ million dollar budget was put into special effects. And thus, the plausibility of the movie suffers further than it did by its other short comings.

Gore: ¼ Pie

There is very little gore here. It is all but missing, but not in the creative way that we see in better slasher films.

Replay, Rewatch, Rewind: ½ Pie

While this film is pretty watchable, I really cannot imagine wanting to more often then once a year or less if I had my way.

Pros

Interesting premise. Some eye candy. Some cool deaths. Tons of potential. Something to watch at Christmas besides wussy, happy holiday films.

Cons

Plenty. Bad story, bad direction, bad acting, unsatisfying plot setups, etc.

Final Word

I feel that this film would be great if remade today because it had some solid ideas and it's original enough. You could improve on almost every aspect of this film and thus it would even make sense to update it! If only Hollywood were wise enough to leave the great classics alone and give films like this the opportunity they deserve.

Punish!