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5 Pies

Reviewed by Limey

Plot Summary

An escaped convict returns to his childhood home on Christmas Eve and murders the sorority sisters that now live there one by one.

Review

I must have been very naughty at some point this year. Twelve months ago I was able to watch and review the treat that was Black Christmas, but this year I have been presented with the lump of coal that is the Black Christmas remake.

The sad thing is that there was the potential for good. The original was awesome, but the fact is that almost no one has ever heard of it. If you must remake something, an unknown classic from over thirty years ago is the type of film that could give both audiences and the producers the results they are looking for.

Alas, while there are a few nice touches here and there, the end result is not a film that will ever be listed among the top ten horror movie remakes. They could have chosen to build on what was already there in a meaningful way; to take the story in a whole new direction; or, hell, even copy the first film scene for scene. They did none of those things.

Instead, they chose to make a movie that could be shown in film class to explain what is meant by the phrase ‘less is more'. It takes a villain that we barely even saw in the first film and gives him a lengthy and unnecessary back story. It overuses the phone call plot device. Finally, it takes the super creepy eyeball scene and runs it into the ground with a thousand and one eyeball sequences.

The long and short of it is that this movie failed to even understand the first movie much less successfully introduce it to 21 st Century audiences. There really is no reason for anyone to watch this one. It just… failed.

Quotes:

Dana Mathis: I'd like to bury the hatchet with my sister. Right in her head!

Megan Helms: Fuck Christmas. Just fuck it.

Spook Factor: ½ Pie

While for a horror veteran that has experienced the original film this one offers up no scares whatsoever, I am sure that the basic premise is still pretty darn spooky for anyone less accustomed to the genre.

Antagonist: ½ Pie

Eh. I love Billy but taking him out of the shadows and thrusting him into the spotlight so that we can get to know him better all but neutered him of all the power he held over me and many others. Still, he is one sick puppy and that has got to count for something.

Story: ½ Pie

I think the story is hiding out somewhere with the originality. It had something to do with a guy having a lousy upbringing then sneaking out of the nuthouse to kill vacuous teens. It is a familiar tale with nothing of interest to call its own.

Acting: ½ Pie

This would be lower but as an aspiring actor I cannot bring myself to knock the cast, who may bring nothing to the table but when the script didn't bother setting up a decent table to begin with they were in for a rough ride.

Directing: ½ Pie

Difficult one to rate as the billed director apparently didn't have much to do with what was actually filmed. Nothing stands out and it may all have been the work of ignorant suits, but on the other hand the billed director definitely wrote the script, which is awful so… half and half.

Soundtrack: ½ Pie

It made good use of Christmas carols, usually juxtaposed with on screen violence, but beyond that I cannot remember whether there was a score or not.

Special Effects: ½ Pie

They were adequate enough but we have become accustomed to a certain standard of effect, so films have to try harder than this to truly impress us.

Gore: ¾ Pie

I suppose the film had to have one redeeming feature - at times it could definitely be very violent and very bloody. None of it did much for me, but you cannot give low gore marks to film where seemingly no one gets to keep their eyes.

Replay, Rewatch, Rewind: ¼ Pie

Ick. Not unless I was with a friend watching back-to-back with the original, just to show them how horribly wrong the remake of a classic can go.

Pros

As I said, there were a few nice touches to be found if you were looking closely. They were few and far between but they were still there.

Cons

The rest of the film.

Final Word

If you only watch one Christmas film this year, don't make it this one. It had every opportunity to be good but must instead accept its punishment, which is to spend eternity on Santa's naughty list for being bad – very, very bad.

Happy holidays!